comfort in Your strangeness.

today at work i officially started on the lines and traded. woohoo! i didn't have anything dealt though...hopefully tomorrow a kind trader will give me a deal (keeping my fingers crossed!)...market has been pretty quiet today...but the combined deals almost reached one billion pesos! not bad for a team which just started!

i'm taking off from the previous blog which i wrote last sunday...i did have a great long weekend! at first i thought my saturday till monday night will be devoted to facebook and guilty pleasure websites...happy to be wrong! i heard mass on sunday with mami and we ate at java man in powerbooks...i txted nick and ede that night to thank them for the conversation last saturday...because i really felt blessed that they were there for me that time. :-) enchanted kingdom, sadly, didn't push through yesterday because they weren't open for the holiday (and i don't know why). so there were 10 people who met up in rockwell who didn't have any concrete plans for the day...it was really exciting haha! holiday hangout attendance: elaine f.ede.nick.elaine l.ponzi.pao.matt.saj.bing.heather. the enchanted kingdom plan, which was pulled back to tagaytay, was pulled back to...MALL OF ASIA!!! hahahahaha! what a trip! good thing we didn't end up in the garden of nick's place.:p moa was loads of fun though...we were a very, VERY happy bunch! *wink wink* we visited the science center and played in timezone...finally had a nice dinner at razon's...went back to nick's place and played skate.:-)

...i still choose (or maybe force myself??) to see the goodness in people...no matter how cruel or insensitive or mean or inconsiderate or put your own negative word here they are. or they are just THEM. why?? oh well...i wouldn't ask why anymore...because WWJD! and this whole positive thinking thing has been really working for me...and it WILL continue to work for me! i'm on the fast lane to living my "three-fold utopian dream" (thank you incubus!): a great love. great family and friends. great job. i believe that when people tell me they would do something, THEY WILL FOLLOW THROUGH. (HE WILL FOLLOW THROUGH.) i believe that only the best things will happen to me and that people who treat me with love and respect are the only ones who will stay in my wonderful, wonderful life. life is just great and living everyday is a miracle in itself! thank You, thank You, thank You.

anyway, i just missed writing a lot...helps me stay positive! i wish leah would blog already!!! i can't wait to read her stuff! time for a hefty.........wait. team greenhills txted just now to say that he is back from hongkong. haha! how sweet he even txted yesterday asking me for my shirt size...like i would be anything bigger than a small.:p oh well...let's see what happens...time for a hefty dinner!

mood: optimistic...with an inner smile. (i know that's not a mood but whatever!)
 

*stretch stretch........*

it's a cool sunday morning...6 hours of sleep after last night's hangout at route196 for ephesus' promo cd launch! it was funnn! i missed route196! good thing i was able to fight the urge to sleep on the comfy couch...my tummy was still churning beer from friday night's successful beerfest! friday night good...saturday night good...tonight will be as well...and tomorrow, hopefully, enchanted kingdom pushes through. my long weekend would be great after all! :-)

and so i return to vox...the original home of elaine's raving, ranting and venting. man i sound like i'm selling pancit! on second thought...i actually like the idea...my thoughts right now can be compared to pancit with lots of ingredients in it. there's just too much on my mind that i have to let out at least a few. but here i am taking forever to type decent sentences...i think i'm not used to blogging anymore...i have to get back to the habit. it used to be VERY therapeutic hehe.

yesterday i watched twilight with ina...after my supposed "twilight date" made it clear that he didn't want to watch a chick flick. so i watched with a chick then! and it was good! not the best movie...but tolerable. haha. after that, i called him because i missed his call during the movie...only to find out that he can't make it to makati for the night. so much for my plans...but what bothered me more was that i knew i sounded disappointed when i said "okay" to what he said. aaarrrrggghhh! i seriously, SERIOUSLY wanted to slap myself! but ina already did that for me...not literally...but she knocked some sense into my head. and that was better/worse than a physical slap. better because i know it's coming from a good place and she only wants the best for me...worse because as much as it sucks, i feel it's true. this whole "hanging out"...i am SO not used to it! this is NOT how i know hangouts. hangouts don't leave you with a flashing big red question mark hovering above your head!!!

after the movie we headed to rockwell to get drinks...not part of the plans haha! but it was a great move...nick and ede met up with us...and they gave me advice on how to deal with the situation. but now i have two sides to choose from...one says ask and make things clear...the other says don't ask and just go with the flow. and they are people whose opinions count! so what to do...what to do...? i guess i just have to wait for that moment...my instincts would tell me. i like hanging out with him. but the question mark that blinks after follows me to work and continues to blink even as i stare on the white board where i am only supposed to find prices to quote for trading. bid...offer...question mark!!! shiyet! haha! i'm not used to it!!! meanwhile...things get even more confusing as team greenhills looks like it has decided to step up it's game...in a way. but it's too soon to tell. damn! i should be single and loving it! but now i'm single and going crazy!

despite all these, i've got so much to be thankful for. i won 10k at the aci christmas party raffle! lucky, lucky me! i'm glad i had i nice friday and saturday...that i got to talk to my friends and i have this great group of friends. as discussed last night over cocktails and beer, after all the drama, at the end of the day we're still friends. we have different and shared passions and it's just amazing how we still mesh well as a group. beerfest proved that. if we could only have beerfests every month! hahaha! i miss my friends a lot. especially veds! i hope that things will be okay...and will continue to be okay. thank you, thank you, thank you.

with that said, i shall now eat breakfast and get ready to be a mallrat for the day! today and the rest of the week will be great. :-)

i finally got my password...to see what i have been posting in my temp blogs, click this one  or visit my friendster blog. ayus?

there's a guy named zack who commented on my blog last night...so i checked his...he blogged about a spanish dude who suddenly showed up on his msn list and he posted their conversation...freaking random stuff...but it was funny! check it out if you want to get more sabaw than you already are.

more randomness...

• i've learned so much more about myself in the past three months than i've learned in one year...that's why i've been thinking if i should "re-celebrate" my birthday because i've never felt more alive in my 21 years of existence.
• i'm eating butterfinger and pinipig polvoron right now.
• i love my family so much...i love my mami, my dady and my sister gemma. i love all my nieces and nephews, my cousins, my titos and titas, my lolos and lolas.
• i love my friends! i have a great circle of friends.
• i respect all the people who work for us. i consider our driver, kuya oliver, a big blessing.
• i'm paranoid about being late for class. i dislike being late. my watch is 30 minutes advanced.
• i constantly change my hairstyle...i get bored when i see myself sporting the same hairstyle for too long. i've no qualms about cutting it or coloring it...(except for the dryness) it's just hair.
• i love dark nail polish.
• i get a lot of that "you look like a japanese" or "you look like a korean" all the time. i even got it from a cab driver!
• i love makati. and all the chaos. i don't like rush hour traffic. did i just contradict myself? i do that all the time.
• i love starbucks.
• i love taking the 15-minute walk to don bosco church and seeing different people.
• i like my dad's sense of humor. i am my mom's fashion consultant. i like that we have the same size in clothes. i am able to save myself from buying my own.
• i listen to sigur ros to facilitate introspection.
• almost always, the first song i play when i turn the pc on is "heaven or las vegas" by cocteau twins. my guilty pleasure is singing and dancing to "unwritten" by natasha bedingfield.
• my favorite junk food right now is oishi black pepper.
• i love nissin's seafood cup noodles.
• i like epic movies, movies about spies, the US government and about aliens. all those conspiracy shit.
• i adore bruce willis.
• i like movies with sarcastic humor. and movies like princess bride, never ending story, secret garden, merlin, mists of avalon...those kinds. does anyone know the movie princess caraboo? and a little ghost? been trying to find those for a long time.
• i update myself with the current events and i like watching cnn.
• i miss cheerleading and late night practices in high school.
• i'm "scared" of hot guys. haha! i like weird ones. kuya bob said mahilig daw ako sa madudumi haha!
• i love watching jay leno and conan o'brien. they crack me up like crazy! i especially like leno's headlines segment.
• i think i was a faerie in my past life.
• i like laughing out loud.
• i make a lot of mistakes. i've recognized that i am merely human and i cannot do without Him.
• i'm trying to get my dad to buy me lomi from chow king for merienda now. i'm famished!

that's all for now.=) *bow*

i failed taxation...i deserved it...i sacrificed that class all the time...whenever i'm having a bad day, we would skip class and drink at greenplace...this is what i get...i'm not worried about taking the subject again...i'm quite certain i can get a high grade...but it sucks that i have to spend my parents' money again taking a subject i don't like...this term really was the worst...not just in academics (like last term's thesis heartbreak)...but also in matters of the heart...=(

nevertheless, today was a pretty good day...i started it off with dawn mass...even if my tummy wasn't doing well because i drank with my twin brother myles at last night's dcid reunion, i still managed to attend mass...when i got home i fell asleep right away...woke up at 12nn and got ready for school...the first course cards i claimed were great...3's and a 3.5 and a 2...not bad...then that taxation class just had to rain on my parade! ugh! oh well...matt treated me to lunch because i lost my wallet for a few hours and we had to go all the way to south gate to enter campus and get it from the lost and found...after we got the last course card, leah, mica and i just decided to stay at greenplace...i ate dinner there and we played cards...when i got home i went online and posted my 0.0 in my status...as if i was proud that i failed. i am not. so vido messaged me to ask if i failed...happy to know he was concerned somehow...then he goes on to say that he'll help me with my cause...ahh...he read my blog...hmm...i don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing...i told him he doesn't have to worry about the money and that i can handle the christmas party on my own...which is true...it will just take time to raise the money i need but i'm good...i don't want him worrying about my party anymore..he has enough to think about...

i chatted with veda a few minutes ago...it was fun...i talked to her about "a" (insert a giggling elaine here)...and about other stuff hehehe=) our "patient", who goes by the code name "pluto", went online too...sadly i wasn't in the mood to play a freaking psychiatrist tonight because i have my own mental state to deal with...if leah was online we would have a had a hearty laugh again courtesy of our patient...but both doctors are on leave right now...they just failed taxation.=(

the opinionated kuya bob gave me a piece of his mind while we were eating at greenplace this evening...something to think about...he told me: alam mo talaga kung anung gusto mo...yung ibang bagay ginugusto mo lang...or something like that...quite vague...but i think i have an idea of what he's talking about...the thing is he may be right...i won't deny that there is something that i really, really want and have been praying for so hard...but i am also praying for wisdom to understand things...and i have come to accept that i would not be getting what i have been asking from Him now...He made me realize that i need some rest...which is different from letting go...just rest. and be open to other "things". that's why in relation to what kuya bob said, yes it is true that there are some things (and people) that i'm trying to be open to...but i'm still true to myself...i never said that i don't love him anymore.

so christmas break has officially officially started...what to do what to do...videoke night moved to thursday...aqua adventure at nick's tomorrow night (oh please grant me strength cos he's bringing her!)...i am not fazed by my academic failure...i am more bothered by the fear of the unknown that has gripped me for the past three months...i really want to be happy this christmas...and since i've learned that happiness is just a by-product of the things we do, i have to take action and do something that would make me happy...do tell me what it is, if you have suggestions?=)

i'm missing someone...i'm floating...i want gingerbread latte.

last song syndrome: bed of roses - the version of all the drunk people of greenplace

Father, i'm sorry that i failed a subject this term...the circumstances of the past term cannot justify my 0.0...i promise to do better next time. I know You still love me even if i'm poor in taxation.=)

it's day two of my "rest"...i haven't had much sleep...as if yesterday never finished and it's just one whole day...one looong tiring day...leah and i were laughing at greenplace a while ago...coz we've only separated for a few hours...yesterday evening we had coffee, then when we got home we went online, started blogging and chatting, commented on each other's blogs, chatted till 3:30am, woke up at 8am (or actually she woke up at 7), started working at my place at 10am, drove thru mcdo (again! i ended up ordering the exact same thing!), went to school, did well in the markad defense and hung out at greenplace till 6pm with coyki...we're like freakin siamese twins! i told her "leah don't break up with me!!!" hahaha...then tomorrow we made plans to watch movies at her house...featuring our latest 8-in-1 dvd entitled "latest fierce slice"...what the heck? it includes casino royale, the covenant, the illusionist, snakes on the plane, world trade center, the black dahlia, the departed, and another movie i can't remember...marathon!!! and i'll get to play with pepper again...i excite! haha=) oh and we made vague...as in really vague plans to study for business taxation finals which is on thursday...we sure do have our priorities straight. hihihi.

i'm thankful i got through school today just fine...i was able to talk to coyki for a bit and he told me to stop crying already...and ina txted me before we had our defense...and said i should really rest for now and gather my strength...and right before i went home, i got a hug from ivan who tells me he's happy i'm using my mind now...i've got a really great support system behind my back...but all these things came only from one source: Him. i know He blessed me with really great friends...i'm so thankful.=)

one subject to go...and i'm done with my 11th term in la salle...11th term...i've been in college for a pretty long time now! 4 more terms...including the summer term...and then what...i really don't know...the future is so uncertain...that's why i could only hope and pray that things turn out well for me and for the people i love...

"...i think you should let it go. let things go by.. for me every moment of sadness is a waste of God's given time to me. we should enjoy life.. leave the problems we have especially those we can live without.. tell yourself everyday you wake up 'i will make use of today to help others' and eventually good things come.." - a.m. 121006

God loves me! Yey!!!

there could not have been a right time for that kind of conversation...last sunday was not good...it totally affected my finals week...shucks...after finals wouldn't be good either...too close to christmas...after christmas wouldn't be good too...close to new year...and after new year...haaay...so the talk just had to be in this great beach...too far from home...where i don't have my mom, my bed, and the other people who can comfort me beside me...perfect!

he asked for space...so i'm still not giving him enough...fine. but what you're really asking for, vido, is for me to let go of the feeling...even if you say that you believe i'll let go of it in my own time...i can tell you want it to happen as soon as possible...sadly, that won't happen...if my crying bothers you and sabrina all the time...i'm sorry i can't do anything about it...it was just unfortunate that she had to see me crying and she thinks that she's the reason why...i wouldn't cry over a person i don't love...so it's not her.

zambales didn't turn out well for me...=( but thanks to my friends who all prayed for me...at least i didn't hop on a bus to go home...or let myself drown in the sea...waaaahhh...the beach was nice pa naman...i still have a mental picture of that scene...the one where we took a walk before we left for home...it was so nice...but it breaks my heart when i think about it...i'm fucking sentimental now...

when we got home we talked again...i have to think about things...honestly my eyes have changed permanently already...they have become smaller...because of all the crying...i was talking to matt kanina...he told me that i've already given it my everything...why do i feel otherwise? like feeling ko kaya ko pa...i just have to cry sometimes...then i'm fine...tapos ngayon pati pag-iyak ko pinapatigil na...haaay...last night i texted alejandro and i vented out to him...even if he doesn't know anything, he told me something really nice and it was enough to put me to sleep...

we had our marksoc final presentation this afternoon...two more subjects to go...and i'm done with the worst term of my entire life...hopefully this IS the worst term...after school leah and i had coffee at starbucks magallanes...it was a nice reward after cramming the presentation. again. i had gingerbread latte and a really, really great talk with her that i just needed badly...we've been together the whole day and if there's one person who i want with me in days like these, it would be leah...we crammed our project in my messy room...ate mcdo drive-thru in her car...prayed in the chapel together...i was expecting this day to be shit for me...but it turned out pretty okay...where would i be without leah??!! haha...then when i went online i was seeking help through my status in ym...and the guys came to my rescue...i love matt and jiro!

anyway, i continue to pray for strength...and i pray that i may have the wisdom to pray for the right thing...i'm just scared...really, really scared...i pray na He would give me a sign...i still consider myself soooo blessed to have such great friends to lift me up...so thank You God...i'll leave it up to You...everything happens in Your time...

still chatting with my markad groupmates...and i can hear the rooster already...another day has come...12 hours to go before the advertising campaign defense...i'm freaking hungry hahaha...leah and i are so lost and confused with this project...everyone noticed my new bonnet today hahaha...thanks for bonnet leah!!! i was a punk robber with pearl earrings and black pedicure...umm...

last song syndrome in my head: Van Hunt - Dust

i know You will never leave me...

just finished talking with ina on the phone...i'm so thankful i was able to talk to her...i needed her advice on something...will talk to leah later...i need all the input i can get from my friends...I'M SO SCARED...=(

i still have a hangover from yesterday's greenplace session...leah and i finished the whole bottle of gin pomelo...then i had strong ice with mica 15 minutes before we left...no time to sober up...amats!

so why did we cut the 6pm class to drink? i had a test na naman yesterday...vido and his girlfriend were at gypsies during lunch...when i entered gypsies i was like "wow"...literally that was the only word that came out of my mouth...very profound. i sat in front of veda, beside vido (who was in front of his girlfriend)...and i was there for about 5 minutes already when he turned to me and decided to give me a high-five...high-five??? seriously?! i didn't high-five back...i told him "you don't do that..." then i stood up and left to go to munch so i could give ina the faspitch cd...afterwards, i went back to gypsies and sat in front of veda again...i asked vido why he was absent from work again...i got a shrug...and i asked him if he already talked to nick regarding the details of zambales...and he was like "di na ako punta..." okay...cold. i knew he was pissed because of the unreturned high-five...jiro asked me to go outside egi...he knew i was very uncomfortable staying inside gypsies...but why did i stay there? i don't know for sure...umiyak nalang ako kay jiro...i didn't know what to do at that time...so sumunod nalang ako nung pinapunta nya akong munch...i've got all my friends there to comfort me...even veda had to take a break from studying at gypsies...

i went to the chapel to pray...i didn't know what to do...so i just asked for strength to endure the rest of the day...and i believe i was given that.=) after singing "eternal flame" in the advertising class (so sorry for the people who had to endure my singing), we went to greenplace to drink...one bottle of gin pomelo + 2 servings of tahong with cheese = happy inuman...arjo and mikko were there too...halfway down the bottle i was already feeling tipsy...uhm...*toot*. hahahahaha...now ankie knows a secret of mine.

when i got home i was supposed to go online so i could talk to leah before she leaves for baguio...but i ended up sleeping...when i woke up at 12:30am, i got a txt from vido...he said he was so pissed at what happened during lunch...so i asked him if that was due to the high-five (never knew high-fives could get me into so much trouble!)...he said it wasn't just the high-five...he was pissed at everything that happened...and goes on to tell me that he and his girlfriend cooled it off...i asked him if he blames me for it...even if he said no...i think he does...haaay...aray.

now he wants us to talk in zambales...i'm scared...if it's not a "good talk"...i'm gonna cry and ruin everyone's trip...i don't want that to happen...i might jump on a bus to go home!! if it's gonna be bad...i'd rather we talk here in manila...where i'm closer to my friends, my mom, my sister and my bed...i just pray na i'll be okay...

chatting with alejandro right now...what a flirt...hehehe...anyway...mood today is anxious.=S

i'll have it Your way God...i just ask for strength for whatever will happen...

2 subjects down...4 more to go!!! i'm officially done with all the filipino subjects of la salle...and we had our presentation for international marketing this morning...our grade wasn't bad...considering that we only actually did the paper last night in a ym conference, and gathered the information from jiro's company the day before...not bad at all...but cramming nonetheless...

i'm still thinking if i should go to zambales...if mica's computation of the expenses are right, we'll probably spend around P1100...vido thinks it's pretty steep...i think so to...so...ano na kaya? i'm still focused on finishing the project for music and literature by thursday though...para i'll have less to worry about when weekend sets in...i heard that csb will have classes on the 8th...di ata tama yun...that's a holy day...

my friend kato txted me the other night and i was only able to reply yesterday morning...but i was happy i got to communicate with her again...i miss her company...kasi she's funny and crazy and she's easy to get along with...tapos nagcomment siya about my profile on friendster...disturbing daw hahaha...but i'm sure she knows where i'm coming from...=)

still missing someone...but my overall mood today is...cheerful.=)

i hope leah is feeling better...i'm proud of her for what she did last night hehehe...she didn't chicken out. go leah!!!

will get some shut eye first for a couple of hours...afterwards i'm headed to don bosco to spend some quiet time with Him...then off to dencio's with my family for kuya jops' birthday dinner courtesy of his girlfriend cherie...how sweet.=) i hope i'm still smiling by the end of the day.=)

God loves me!! Weeeeee!!

all of a sudden i miss las vegas...hence, the change in theme.

i think leah will remind me again to put a picture on my profile coz she's bothered with the question mark on my white, outlined face...i think this is my best picture so far!!! hahaha! see the ears sticking out?? and i have never been that white before hehehe...

anticipating "hell week"...just thinking about all the school work we have to do makes me want to curl up and hide under my fuzzy blue blanket (with the stars and moon na may santa hat given to me on christmas 2002 by vido)...just had to share that...hehehe=)

why am i not yet sleepy...?